February 22, 2004 - 9:01 p.m.

I have had a very interesting week. Tuesday morning I went to the hospital. I was having terrible stomach pains that came in spasms and was unable to move. It was less than pleasant. Quick rundown of my hospital stay.

8:30 am. Liz and I arrive at ER. After a few minutes of watching Jerry Springer in waiting area, I am brought into triage for fabulous yet basic information (ie: blood pressure, temperature, insurance information). Had male student nurse. Did not enjoy sharing my weight status with him. He was kinda cute.

8:45 am. Given private room with public bathroom. Yippee. Stared at wall for a while. Chatted with Liz.

9:30 am. Doctor arrives. He is a tall, skinny man with little personality. The worst part was his outfit. He donned a pink shirt and red bow tie. Pretty hard to take this man seriously. He spent 30 seconds pretending to listen to my complaints and ordered a barrage of tests to the nurse, not bothering to communicate with me directly. Realized at this point that I was not human.

10:00. Nice woman named Darcy came to take my blood. That was kind of her. Have very small veins and did not enjoy this experience. Saw from stickers on blood vials that they were going to run pregnancy test and drug screening.

10:15 am. Pain pill arrives! Bless Vicodin!

11:00 am. Dr. Pastel returned to perform pelvic exam. He was joined by another bitchy nurse who kept yelling at me to "push your butt more to the edge!". If you do not like your job, perhaps it is time for a career change. There is nothing that will make me more vulnerable to strangers than being naked (except for a thin cotton gown) with your legs sprawled all about and being unable to see what is going on down there. The only words he uttered to me directly were "looks like your going to get your period in a few days". Gross.

11:15-noon. Liz and I napped.

Noon. Vicodin really working now. Seemed to have forgotten why I was there. A midget came to tell me to wrap a sheet around my legs and go wait in radiology waiting room.

12:30 pm. Midget came to waiting room to tell me to go back to my room. Apparently there was a real emergency and they needed the Xray room.

2:00 pm. Another nursing student came to bring me to radiology. Against my request, she insisted up wheeling me there on the stretcher. It was obviously her first time driving and I spent the whole 5 minute commute clinging to the rail in terror.

2:05 pm. Arrive in CT scan room. Was only told I was having an Xray, so this was quite a surprise. But not nearly as surprising as what followed. Bitchy radiologist announced literally five seconds before she actually did shove a large plastic applicator DIRECTLY INTO MY ASS and injected 500ml of sodium chloride. Her only words of comfort "Yeah, umm. This will probably hurt a lot but you still have to hold this in." My whole life flashed before my eyes. Spent next 16 minutes elevated behond human conception and slided into a large circle with a male voice that said "Don't breathe" and "breathe".

2:30pm. Back in room. Did not acknowledge Liz's presence, yet opted to lunge for bathroom and spent 15 minutes of my life completing a thorough colon cleansing.

3:00 pm. Asked for more pain pills.

3:15 pm. Nurse change. Asked for more pain pills.

3:30 pm. Literally crying in pain, asked for more pain pills. Liz went to nurses station to raise hell. I got another pill.

4:00 pm. Wondering why I have not been given test results yet. Took another nap.

4:30 pm. Awoke to sounds of Liz giving nurses hell, looking for test results.

5:00 pm. Released from hospital with presciption for Vicodin and test results.

Apparently I have a cyst on my right ovary. Yippee. Took rest of week off to indulge in Vicodin. Just kidding. Got period and pain became worse, so my primary doc confined me to bed.

No more period now. Feel much better. Pain almost completely gone without medication. Have appointment with specialist on March 1 to fix this little problem.

I spent the weekend at Dave's apartment learning how to play EverQuest. It is actually quite fun. My character is a female cat that is decked to the nines in weapons and armor, thanks to my fabulous boyfriend who has been playing for years and is very generous. Because I just started playing, my character "Okra", is very low level but beats the shit out of a lot of things. It rocks. I have just reached a level where I can cast spells. I have a spell that allows me to create a tiger cub to fight alongside me. It rocks. I haven't had this much fun in weeks.

Back to work tomorrow.

Oh god. Dan wants to watch television with him. Documentary on Anna Nicole Smith's recent weight loss.

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