February 10, 2004 - 9:11 p.m.

It's official. I am a useless fat blob of human flesh. For dinner have consumed half a pint of Ben and Jerry's brownie frozen yogurt and a whole bowl of pasta smothered in canned sun dried tomato alfredo sauce. Hate self.

The only excuse I can offer on my own behalf is that I am depressed this evening. Dave was supposed to come up and spend the night with me. He has decided he was too tired. What a jerk.

I was just conversing with him on the phone a short time ago. He said he had to tell me a joke. Then he farted into the phone. It is nice to know that I am loved. Sonofabitch.

Dan has met a man. He seems very interested in this one. His name is Matt. I spoke with Matt briefly on the phone last night. I love him already. he is coming over to spend the night on Thursday.

I obviously have severe issues. Just coming to terms with the realization that have strong desire to be adored my gay best friends' lover.

Let's face it. Gay men give the best gifts.

I think I am going to get pregnant. Not on purpose, mind you, but my father jinxed me.

We were talking last night, and he made a comment about my youngest sister (who is a slut).

"Out of all my daughters, [my sister] will be the one to have an unplanned pregnancy. I can just feel it."

There you go. He jinxed me. I am much too unlucky to have this sort of premonition pass over me.

Besides... I have to confess something. I inadvertently forgot to take three days worth of pills this month. I took them all immediately upon discovery, but I still feel something bad will happen.

I told Dave we can't have sex for a few weeks until I get my period. He doesn't seem to care but still insists that we will be alright.

He thinks I am silly. He also doesn't understand that my body tries to ruin my life on a daily basis... then combine that with my superstitious upbringing...

It is so lonely in my basement bedroom. Dan will be at work until very late, so I am all on my own. Of course, I am not so bored I feel the desire to clean or organize something or maybe fold some laundry. There is nothing good on TV and I do not have any new books to read.

Maybe I should just try to get some sleep. The longer I complain the more pissy I'll end up becoming.

Maybe I'll just fix myself a drink and smoke some cigarettes.

Or maybe not. Drinking alone sets if a few alarms in my own head...and I couldn't imagine the lectures I would receive if one of my roomies walked in on me.

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