June 19, 2003 - 5:58 p.m.

"You make me come. You make me complete. You make me completely miserable." Can't get the Lit song out of my head. Feel the burning urge to sing aloud at the most inappropriate of times, like when I was on the phone with an insurance company for a patient at work. Oopsies. I thought I was on hold. "Randy" certainly got an earful of myself belting out the tunes.

Work has just been awful the past two days. A combination of missing JLK and being very pissed off at The Boss who fired her has proven to be almost too much. I know The Boss misses her too and he doesn't want to talk about it at all, which makes screaming at him pretty much out of the question if I wish to remain employed as well.

But I got back at him, in my own little way. His glasses are being repaired and he has been using and old, hideous pair of bifocals. So I stole them off his desk and walked around with them on for half an hour imitating him. Was quite at hit with the cashiers, but now I have a headache. The Boss did not appreciate my humor, and said "You are pissing me off. Go home." So I left, a whole eleven minutes early.

Have not spoken to JLK since her dismissal, and I am very worried about her. I called her a zillion times and left messages. I went out for half an hour last night, so, naturally, she called. She sounds sad and tired.

My friend Caitlin is home from her millionth year in college for the summer, and she spent the night at my house last night. It was so much fun. We laughed. We cried. We ate bread and butter at 2 am. She also got to meet Ken, who came over for a few hours. In his presence, she chose to share with me her budding new sense of bisexuality. In two weeks, poor Ken has received many gay lessons I am sure he never wanted to. I am impressed with his current tolerance, but I really don't believe it is acceptance.

Cat has many opinions on the subject of Ken. She tells me that he is boring (true), insecure (probably true), and entirely not worthy of me. I think it is the other way around. He is too nice and good for me. Not that I deserve mean and bad, but I have a cold streak about me. I have decided it would be best to not spend tonight with him, but will be spending the night at best friend's house as we both have the day off tomorrow. Unfortunately, Ken and my best friend live in the same town, so I hope he doesn't see my car and try to stop by.

I have become a slut. I have corrupted a generally good man that I could never possibly love. It just feels WRONG, and I cannot explain it.

Plus, he is a cuddler, and I am not. He won't move his arm off of me when I am trying to sleep. It pisses me off. I have a queen size bed for a reason. That reason being, plenty of room for everyone without being cramped in. If I wanted something breathing on my neck and causing me to have claustrophobic panic attacks, I'd buy a twin size bed.

I am sure I wouldn't feel so guilty about a meaningless relationship if it was meaningless for the other person as well. I don't need a man to feel emotionally complete. I just need a permanant date to functions and parties and someone to have sex with occasionally.

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